Sometimes life gets the best of me. Professional deadlines, the demands of raising children, managing household responsibilities and last but definitely not least, making time for my husband and even me. When things run smoothly, life is blissful and I feel in control. Other times, things can get messy and I become overwhelmed and get swept away in the craziness of it all. I sought advice from a professional whose opinion I truly value, and posed some questions to determine strategies on how to maintain calm and balanced when the going gets tough.
Julie Ross is the executive director of Parenting Horizons, an organization devoted to enriching children’s lives through parent and teacher education. She holds an M.A. in Psychology from New York University.
She agreed to take out a bottle of wine and down it. Just kidding…(That would be my advice to me.)
Here is her amazing advice!
FD: Bed time and wake up time for my pre-teen and teens always seems to be a struggle. How can I effectively enforce appropriate timing without being the bad cop?
JR:Certainly by the time children are tweens and teens, it becomes appropriate to turn over these fundamental tasks to them and allow them to experience the natural consequences of not taking responsibility if they fail to go to bed or get up on time. I would tell them that they’re old enough to begin figuring this out for themselves. Say that you’re willing and available to give them advice about what time they should try to go to sleep and wake up, but that you’re not going to be physically involved any longer. Give them an alarm clock to wake themselves up in the morning, and, as tempting as it may be to nag them to set it the night before or to go in after you’ve heard it ring in the morning, don’t! You may have to handcuff yourself to something to keep yourself from intervening, but the only way that kids learn to develop responsibility is to experience the consequences that come from the choices they make.
FD: Homework time is always a challenge. Any suggestions to move the process along?
JR:Again, and especially with tweens and teens, it’s time to turn responsibility over to them and stop nagging or advising. Tell them that you’re happy to help them figure out how much time certain subjects will take and to give them advice about organizing their time. (Buy an ANALOG clock for each of them, by the way, as it’s easier to visualize the movement of time on an analog rather than a digital clock.) Then, stop nagging. Let them waste time doing whatever it is that they do to waste time. Let them run the clock down. Let them experience the anxiety and distress that comes from mis-timing something and the lack of accompanying sleep. In turn, the signals that their body gives them will help them make wiser choices in the future.
FD: In a world of “can I have”, “I need”, and “I want”, how can a parent keep a cap on the amount of material possessions that they ask for?
JR: Well, you probably can’t keep a cap on what they ASK for, but you still control the pursestrings and the answer “no” should remain in your vocabulary. It’s helpful to communicate that you’ll try to ensure that they have what they “need” but that we can’t always have the things we “want.”
FD: Sometimes I feel like I’m going to lose it. Kids sometimes know exactly how to push our buttons. Can you offer some constructive ways to diffuse the “mom bomb” from exploding?
JR:My favorite word, that can act as a “pause” button is, “Wow.” Your kid screams at you. “Wow.” Your kid says they failed a test. “Wow.” Your kid pushes some other button. Again, “Wow.” Said in a neutral tone, it gives us enough time to make a decision about what to say next without escalating the situation. If you need more time, you can say, “I need to think about this,” and excuse yourself. Or, if they are being disrespectful, you can say, “This isn’t good for our relationship, I’m taking a time out,” and remove yourself from the situation. It’s so important to remember that our interactions with our children don’t require a call to 911. Yet we often feel that we need to respond immediately and that can add fuel to a fire. Take your time. Leave the room. Drink a couple of glasses of water to keep your hands and mouth busy so you don’t say or do something you might regret later. Breathe and calm down before you return to the situation. You can even take the time to create a script of what you want to say when you do return. Scripted communication helps us proactively speak from the head rather than reactively from our hurt feelings.
FD: Children sometimes keep their feelings contained and seem out of sorts. Any tips on how to get them to open up and talk it through?
JR:It’s important to remember that communication is comprised of three things: body language, tone of voice and words. Body language is the most important of the three and weighs more heavily in terms of what’s being communicated. Words are the least important, making up only 7% of the meaning in spoken communication. Your child may feel as though they are already communicating with their body language and when you press them for details they may respond angrily. Instead, try to interpret what their body language is saying. You can say something like, “You seem down,” then wait to see what happens. Some kids will grunt, some will reply with sarcasm, some won’t reply at all. Simply offer your presence if that happens. You can say, “I’m here if you want to talk,” or “Let me know if I can help.” If they do begin to open up and communicate it’s important to JUST LISTEN. Don’t offer advice, don’t try to make them feel better, don’t pull out your big book of wisdom and start to pontificate about how things were in YOUR day. Just listen. Reflect their feelings back: “That must be stressful,” “How overwhelming,” “Sounds so annoying.” Repeat back what you hear. If they say, “Sam is a jerk,” say, “Sam’s being a jerk.” If they say, “I hate school,” say “You hate school.” Remember that your job in communicating with your children is only to open the door, NOT to reach in and try to drag them through it. Don’t expect revelations or resolutions. Know that you’re planting the seeds of future communication and relationship and let that be enough.
FD: What are good ways to offer rewards/compliments/phrase?
JR:I would think, instead, of encouragement. Rewards, compliments and praise can all become addictive and create a sense of entitlement in kids. A positive alternative, that ultimately does more for their sense of self worth is to reflect on something positive that you noticed, keeping the focus on the effort rather than the result. A good example might be “I noticed you worked really hard on your homework last night.” They can infer that working hard was a good thing without you saying it (hence you don’t have to add “good job.”) Another example might be “I saw you helped your sister when she was sad last night.” Again, end it there, going overboard will appear insincere. I also like to put these things in writing. Not a text or an email but an honest-to-goodness old fashioned note written on a piece of paper or a 3X5 index card and propped on their pillow or against their computer screen. We take things in writing more seriously than the things we hear, and they stay with us for much longer.
For more on Julie Ross, please visit http://www.parentinghorizons.com/JulieRoss
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